5. That thrower should be imprisoned ... for missing!
4. If only we really had WMDs ... throwing a shoe is so lame ...
3. Dick Cheney would have been a bigger, slower target
2. A few more weeks and I'll be relaxing in my ranch and let the new guy take care of the mess
1. Mis-shoe Accomplished!
Top 5 reasons the world can welcome an Obama presidency:
5. no more threat of nucular war
4. the real Axis of Evil of Bush-Cheney-Rove will be gone
3. he’s not likely to misunderstimate anyone
2. cowboy diplomacy is over
1. white house not that white from now on
Top 5 reasons a police officer converts millions of pesos into euros and brings them to Russia in his luggage:
5. to hide funds his fellow officers kept secret from their wives
4. to act as decoy and lure attention away from billions of public funds being siphoned off to Swiss bank accounts
3. the PNP wanted to invest in euros instead of holding on to their worthless pesos
2. to buy a Russian ‘doll’ as souvenir for each fellow officer
1. he has amnesia and doesn’t know what banks are
Top 5 reasons to pardon a double murderer:
5. you’ve done worse so you think double murder is forgivable
4. to make room for activists your military can’t somehow make disappear
3. as a means of population control the Church won’t question
2. you were again too drunk to know what you were doing: you thought someone asked if you needed the hankee and you said ok
1. you’re looking for positive karma because you know you’ll need your very own pardon someday.
Top 5 reasons US VP candidate Sarah Palin’s campaign can work in the Philippines:
5. we’re used to government building bridges that go nowhere
4. not only planes but just about everything here is available to the highest bidder
3. the press is quite used to leaders being unavailable for probing interviews
2. politicians with no substance are the norm here
1. we’re used to being led by people who have absolutely no qualifications for the job
Top 5 reasons the government still hasn’t banned dairy products from China:
5. after eating tons of fishballs and squidballs, we should be immune to Chinese toxins by now
4. they can’t read Chinese so they have no idea whether they’re being sold locally at all
3. we’ve agreed to give China Philippine territory and natural resources, why not sacrifice a few babies?
2. for indirect population control as they’re too scared to displease the Church
1. there’s grease money to be earned from Chinese dairy product importers and distributors
Top 5 reasons to be thankful for double entry in the Appropriations Act of the C-5 road project:
5. we get an additional count for impeachment
4. as a sign of fund-raising, it confirms who’s running in the next elections
3. additional budget can buy walkways for pedestrians who regularly play patintero on highways
2. added fund can be used to manage road to prevent money-hungry CITRA to take over
1. extra P200M can be used to provide lifetime toll-free use of road
Top 5 reasons to be a Philippine Air Force pilot:
5. with many planes crashed or grounded, there’s lots of paid free time to apply with commercial airlines
4. excellent training in emergency landings
3. regular exercise in bailing out of planes
2. morbidity aside, by process of elimination, you can be ‘top gun’ in no time
1. every flight is medal-worthy regardless of actual combat
Top 5 ways the government would have liked to commemorate the Cry of Pugadlawin:
5. tear up all copies of the Constitution
4. sign a manifesto giving up Philippine territory
3. rally the people to support anything they do
2. revolt against the oppressors of corruption
1. fight to the death … of lives not their own
Top 5 alternative Filipino sports:
5. Synchronized Rallying
4. People Revault
3. Discuss Overthrow
2. Under-the-table Tennis
1. Impeach Volleyball
Top 5 alternative Olympic sports where the government can win gold:
5. Bentathlon – competing in 10 different ways to sell one’s principles
4 Fencing – the player who stays uncommitted for the longest time wins
3. Badminion – players serve and return all that is requested regardless of nature of request
2. Hackey – players maneuver and shove their way to the highest bidder
1. Crowing – victory is obtained solely by continuous gloating and boasting regardless of any actual achievement
Top 5 reasons to listen to GMA’s SONA:
5. you need your daily shot of entertainment
4. you love fiction in whatever form
3. you need comedy material
2. you conveniently forgot she promised she won’t run for president in 2004
1. you believe pigs will fly
Top 5 reasons for Filipinos to practice natural family planning:
5. to produce more nurses to take care of the rest of the world
4. to export more maids to clean all the world’s households
3. to have a Filipino community in every city on the planet
2. to have more OFWs bail out our perpetually mismanaged country
1. to jump from 12th to most populous nation on earth
Top 5 favorite ABBA songs of GMA & Co.:
5. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
4. I Have A Scheme
3. Does Your Voter Know
2. Thank You For The Moolah
1. The FG Takes It All
Top 5 reasons to allow Sulpicio Lines to continue:
5. to increase air travel
4. for population control
3. to give us more world records
2. to get the Coast Guard to go out into the water once in a while
1. to take the crown away from the AFP on extrajudicial killings
Top 5 reasons to ride Sulpicio Lines:
5. You want to know what it’s like riding through typhoon signal no.3
4. You yearn for that capsizing feeling
3. You were born yesterday
2. You want to be there when they break the MV Doña Paz’s record
1. You have a deathwish
Top 5 alternative ways to raise campaign funds:
5. set up networking business with rice as dividends
4. run nationwide raffle with Jobs-in-Canada as grand prize
3. under the guise of giving away money, keep the lion’s share
2. negotiate another telecoms deal
1. promise to make Sulpicio Lines pay for its negligence once and for all.
Top 5 alternative Philippine gameshows:
5. Cheat … Bulaga!
4. Pinoy Idle
3. The price is high
2. Meal or No Meal
1. WawaMeee
Top5 ways to lower electricity costs:
5. support abs-cbn so meralco doesn’t have to
4. or, boycott abs-cbn until meralco reduces rates
3. find a way to harness winston garcia’s hot air for power
2. have the SEC issue a cease and desist order against the rising cost, seems they have powers over everything
1. turn malacanang’s s*** into power and we’ll have enough even for export!
Top 5 reasons for government takeover of Meralco:
5. to allow Winston Garcia to buy more masterpieces the public has no use for
4. Government’s desperate for a cashcow
3. to allow GMA to be weaned from her borrowing habit
2. to allow GMA-7 to catch up with ABS-CBN’s funds
1. GMA knows best how to make most of power
Top 5 reasons to invade Myanmar now:
5. the military is busy with aid distribution photo-ops
4. the Burmese people will be leading the charge
3. the monks will surely give their blessing
2. the junta will be busy fixing referendum results
1. the junta is busy weeding out aid workers and journalists
Top 5 reasons for constant oil price hikes:
5. Oil execs need to survive rising prices too
4. Oil sheiks need bigger harems
3. Middle men have to be ‘greased’ too
2. What else can OPEC do? No one’s buying the sand.
1. Force of Habit
Top 5 ways to commemorate the Death March:
1. Annual death march for plunderers.
2. POW camps for government “commission-ers”.
3. Cabinet Unity Walk from Bataan to Tarlac. Let’s see how long they’ll stay united.
2. Legislators to walk 1 mile per 1M pork barrel received.
1. Government officials to walk 1 mile per 1M peso misappropriated.
Top5 ways to ride the rice crisis:
5. Move to Vietnam
4. Just order double half-rice each time
3. Think kamote
2. Cut on exercise, there’s not much carbo anyway
1. Value Corn Meals!
Top 5 Holy Week reflections:
5. I know who best to crucify on that cross …
4. I could give 5 lashes to ….
3. If we could only have plunderers endure a real senakulo …
2. Are bishops exempt from flagellation???
1. Golgotha is too small for the government thieves we have …
Top 5 reasons to thank GMA for prioritizing debt repayment:
5. we got a higher credit rating that enabled us to borrow more money
4. we’ve become a pet of the new rich guy in town - China
3. more employment for our people … abroad
2. we satisfy our yearning for imported goods by regularly importing rice
1. we may be poor and hungry but we’re not in default
Top 5 reasons to relinquish Philippine territorial claims in China’s favor:
5. Finally, our fishermen can poach from their seas!
4. Besides, we’re all part-Chinese anyway
3. China will replace the U.S. as our overlord eventually
2. No worries, Northrail will connect those islands to us and they’ll get Philippine education via cyber-ed!
1. We’ll have the last laugh, global warming will sink those islands soon enough!
Top 5 ways to get through police barricades and join the rallies:
5. Tell them your “Lucky Bitch Must Go!” t-shirt is to protest dogs wrongfully impounded
4. Say your “She’s evil!” banner refers to your mother in-law and you’re on your way to picket her house
3. Explain you have a “Gloria resign!” poster because you actually support the ZTE deal and you only want Gloria to again sign the cancelled contract
2. Convince them you have a “We want Noli!” t-shirt because you’re going to a “Noli” Cabahug concert
1. Wear a priest’s habit and say you’re from the CBCP and you won’t really be making a stand on anything
The other 5 Carpenter hits GMA knows by heart:
5. Hearingdays And Mondays (always get me down)
4. There’s A Kind Of Hush (as long as we bribe)
3. (And they’ll revolt) For All We Know
2. Bless The Beast And Our Children
1. Sing (and we’ll kidnap you)
Top 5 ways to determine you’re not being kidnapped:
5. when you are “escorted” from your flight by the military with (only) a reputation for extrajudicial killings
4. when you’re given a scenic tour of the city outskirts
3. when you’re “asked” to request for security protection
2. when you’re treated by a lawyer to dinner at a pubic steakhouse
And the No. 1 way to determine you’re not being kidnapped:
1. when the government says so.
Top 5 reasons the record-breaking economic growth hasn’t been felt by the poor:
5. What! We have poor people?! Does the corruption-laden junket-crazy coup-paranoid election-cheating fact-ignoring truth-challenged government know?!
4. the candidates forgot them during their record-breaking P1B+ election spending
3. the poor don’t have money to bribe the gov’t to look out for them
2. they’re too busy trying to get out of the country
And the No. 1 reason the record-breaking economic growth hasn’t been felt by the poor”
1. they’re too hungry to feel anything else.
In light of the recent downgrade of the ATO, here are the Top 5 reasons for the downgrade:
5. controllers still use morse code
4. they’re still on Wordperfect 5.1 and Cobol 60
3. like true government employees, all controllers take merienda every 2 hours
2. they text in their landing instructions
And the No. 1 reason for the ATO downgrade:
1. Ethiopia, Suriname and Uzbekistan have higher quality standards.
Top 5 Reasons to be thankful for EDSA II:
5. the short term notwithstanding, we finally got to imprison a corrupt leader.
4. we got to see just how multi-talented Gen. and former Secretary of DND-DILG-DENR (now) DoE Sec. Angelo Reyes is.
3. mundane daily routines interrupted by occasional coups.
2. literacy was advanced with new everyday words like writ of amparo and extra-judicial killings.
And the No 1 reason to be thankful for EDSA II:
1. we learned that as leaders go, an economist with a Ph.D. is not much better than an actor with a high school diploma.
In light of the DOT’s boast of a record increase in tourist arrivals, we reveal the Top 5 reasons tourists actually come to the Philippines:
5. to study English during their school break.
4. to set up English language schools for their countrymen to study English at during their school break.
3. to set up business at 168 Mall.
2. to negotiate more publicly funded multi-million dollar white elephants.
And the No.1 reason tourists actually come to the Philippines …
1. to visit their relatives who haven’t yet had a chance to migrate like them.
Top 5 reasons caucuses for presidentiables are perfect in the Philippines:
5. election coupled with caucuses will require enormous campaign spending
4. campaign expenses are directly proportional to the amounts stolen from public funds
3. amounts stolen from public funds are directly proportional to politicians’ personal finances
2. with increased personal finances, politicians will have funds for the next election
1. the next election coupled with caucuses will require enormous campaign spending
Top 5 good things brought in by the new year:
5. a year less from the term of useless politicians
4. a year closer to GMA’s exit with FG to boot.
3. 1 more for presidentiables to come out of the woodwork
2. another year to look for work abroad
And the No. 1 good thing brought in by the new year …
1. one year closer to getting your immigration visa approved.
Top 5 reasons RP ended up 5th over-all at the 2007 Sea Games (after a 1st place finish 2 years ago):
5. We’re not the hosts this time.
4. COMELEC did not do the medal tally.
3. No text votes were required.
2. Some athletes were busy finishing their nursing degrees.
And the No. 1 reason RP ended up 5th over-all at the 2007 SeaGames …
1. Billiards was not an event.
Top 5 instances a Certificate of Land Ownership Award under the CARP does not actually award land ownership:
5. When Bukidnon landowner Norberto Quisumbing ignores it.
4. When San Miguel Foods, Inc. is willing to pay much more than the DAR for your land.
3. When the government which issued the certificate refuses to acknowledge it for 12 years and running.
2. When the farmer-beneficiaries’ hunger strike only lasted 22 days and their protest march of only 1,700 kms. only lasted 2 months.
And the No.1 instance a Certificate of Land Ownership Award under the CARP does not actually award land ownership …
1. When rearing pigs is more important than giving land to the homeless.
Top 5 reasons to thank the Peninsula Mutineers:
5. Hotel façade needed extreme makeover by APC anyway
4. Senator walking on street pavement and not riding on an SUV with a convoy was a nice change
3. With the AFP on a manhunt for escaped mutineers and other plotters, extrajudicial killings might actually decrease
2. We learned that “arrest” does not include being handcuffed and taken to a military camp
And the No.1 reason to thank the Peninsula Mutineers …
1. We learned we can’t leave it to the military to do the people’s job.
Top 5 benefits of the dollar’s dip:
5. wars now much more expensive for the US to pursue
4. wars now much more needed by government to get precious US aid
3. government can pay more debt out of debt just incurred
2. seeing government at a loss to explain why prices of goods are not coming down
And the no. 1 benefit of the dollar’s dip …
1. plundered dollars have lost value for their owners.
Top 5 signs of a GMA-style economic “boom”:
5. Settle debt by incurring more debt
4. Take credit for a peso strengthened without your influence
3. Claim stock and money market movements as “investments”
2. Rejoice in a high GDP and ignore it was due to massive election spending
And the no. 1 sign of a GMA-style economic “boom”:
1. Pimp your people to work abroad so as not to die of hunger in a naturally-rich country untouched by drought and war.
The Top 5 murals to be created next by the Neo-Angono Artists Collective:
5. The History of Press Freedom according to the National Press Club (NPC)
4. The History of NPC’s P10M sale of Vicente Manansala’s P50M mural on the History of Press Freedom
3. The History of supPressing Freedom
2. The History of NPC Freedom to do what GMA dictates
And the No. 1 mural to be created next by the Neo-Angono:
1. The Art of Retouching (someone else’s work without authority)
Top 5 odd couples:
5. honesty and comelec
4. due process and PNP
3. integrity and Congress
2. efficiency and the Philippine government
And the No. 1 odd couple:
1. democracy and GMA
Top 5 reasons GMA should’ve instead won the Nobel Peace Prize:
5. Her regime has seen hundreds of activists rest in peace
4. Her presidency has exposed far more Inconvenient Truths
3. Despite continuous opposition, she has spent so much more to stop any “climate” change
2. She’s made an art of recycling. Right former Sec. of DND/ DILG/DENR (now) DoE Sec. Angelo Reyes?
And the No. 1 Reason GMA should’ve instead won the Nobel Peace Prize …
1. She’s an expert on how to make people keep their peace.
Top 5 reasons to ban “Desperate Housewives”:
5. it’s bad enough we’re losing our doctors to the US, they don’t have to be unappreciative
4. Filipino doctors don’t actually bring their diplomas when they work as nurses abroad
3. nobody else has to know that some med schools in the Philippines are really not that good
2. the lives and antics of our desperate starlets played out on tv are enough entertainment
And the No. 1 Reason To Ban “Desperate Housewives” …
1. to open the time slot to more “World’s Craziest Videos”
Top 5 reasons for lack of confidence in government:
5. Arroyo, Mikey
4. Arroyo, Iggy
3. Arroyo, Mike
2. Arroyo, Gloria
And the No. 1 Reason To Further Lose Confidence In Government …
1. Arroyo, Joker
Top 5 laws we desperately need:
5. law prohibiting celebrities from marrying (Having no talent is enough. We don’t need their dirty laundry too.)
4. law prohibiting a President’s immediate family from holding public office (there should only be 1 plunderer per family)
3. “no work no pay “ law for legislators (to compel their attendance and make them deserve a little of their salaries and pork barrel)
2. law prohibiting intellect-challenged non-English speakers (read: Lito Lapid) from running as legislators (because laws have to be deliberated upon and enacted in the English language)
And the No. 1 law we desperately need:
1. law requiring income tax return as proof of right to vote (Put your stake in public funds before we listen to your voice).
Top5 ways to ensure we remain a 3rd world country:
5. continued validity of the Automatic Appropriations Law (P.D.1177) and preference for creditors over the people’s welfare
4. continued privatization of basic services (like power & water)
3. continued decline of the agriculture and manufacturing sectors
2. continued departure of skilled laborers and professionals
And the No. 1 surefire way we shall remain a 3rd world country …
1. continued ignorance and apathy of the electorate.
Top 5 reasons most Filipinos might no longer care about corruption issues or plunder cases:
5. Alleged $10M bribe to JDVJr? That’s nothing to the reported $100M bribe to Marcos for the Bataan Nuclear Power Plant deal. And that was in the ‘70s!
4. Boracay Mansion? Have you seen the P3.5B Centennial Expo white elephant built by FVR?
3. Hello Garci tape? Haven’t you heard the Dovey Beams-FM sex tape? With matching love theme to boot!
2. (even without Kris) any showbiz cheating issue is more compelling, with even a taste of tv network wars
And The No. 1 Reason Filipinos Might No Longer Care About Corruption Issues Or Plunder Cases …
1. they’re leaving anyway.
Top 5 reasons why Erap should be acquitted:
5. we need to keep our clean record of zero convictions for corrupt leaders with unexplained wealth
4. we may soon need the Tanay residence during the trial of another corrupt leader with unexplained wealth
3. just to see how quickly Chavit Singson can pack up and leave the country
2. to ensure EDSA 4
And the No. 1 reason why Erap should be acquitted
1. how else can he become Prime Minister?
Top 5 reasons the GDP had to go up:
5. the peso’s purchasing power is going down
4. consumer prices are going up
3. the manufacturing and agriculture sectors are slowing down
2. the increasing number of Filipinos seeking foreign jobs because they can’t find local jobs
And The No. 1 Reason the GDP had to go up …
1. The government needed it to.
Top 5 reasons to celebrate National Heroes’ Day:
5. We don’t have enough holidays to celebrate anything
4. We know more about Darna than Gabriela Silang
3. To make us curious about what really happened to Lapu-Lapu after killing Magellan
2. To make filmmakers aware there are other stories beyond the lame horror, comedy and love plots they keep repeating
And The No. 1 Reason To Celebrate National Heroes’ Day …
1. To remember we once had leaders with spines.
Top 5 reasons to remember Ninoy:
5. His death anniversary is a national holiday
4. To give Kris some semblance of dignity
3. To forget that Cory was not a good President
2. To give us hope that Noynoy might have actually inherited something from him
And The No. 1 Reason To Remember Ninoy …
1. To know what we’re missing.
Top 5 Suggested Typhoon Names:
5. Kristeta for her loud winds
4. Gloriang for the air she blows
3. Esperoning more for her misses than her hits
2. Brenda because of her insane fury
And the No. 1 Suggested Typhoon Name …
1. Gonzalesyang because she’ll never die.
Top 5 reasons our military keeps losing in Mindanao:
5. the enemy has better guns
4. the enemy has more bullets
3. the enemy has better communications
2. the enemy has more to lose
And the No. 1 reason our military keeps losing in Mindanao …
1. the enemy has none of our generals.
Top 5 graduates of the School of Hogwarts ever elected to the Philippine Senate:
5. Senator Ramon Dumbnbore Sr.
4. Senator Jinggoy McDo-agad
3. Senator Loses in-Makati-is Back
2. Senator Miriam Seethingwithin
And the No. 1 graduate of the School of Hogwarts elected to the Philippine Senate …
1. Senator Ralph Outthedoor.
Top 5 Filipino indie films you haven’t seen:
5. Binilang Ka Nguni’t Kulang (starring an all-Comelec cast)
4. Bayan Ko: Kapit Ng Sakim (starring an all-Congressional cast)
3. Maynila: Sa Kuko Ng Liwanag Ni Atienza (starring former Mayor Lito Atienza and the technicolor streetlights of Manila)
2. Kakabakaba Ka Ba? (to star Chavit Singson and the newly-acquitted Erap)
And the No. 1 Filipino indie film you haven’t seen …
1. Sana’y Wala Nang Wakas (to star GMA and the new parliament.
Top 5 States Of The Nation:
5. Poor
4. Hungry
3. Jobless
2. Aimless
And the No. 1 State of the Nation …
1. Migrant
Top 5 Favorite Jobs Of Gen. Angelo Reyes (So Far):
5. Secretary of the Dept. of National Defense
4. Secretary of the Dept. of Interior and Local Government
3. Secretary of the Dept. of Environment and Natural Resources
2. Secretary of the Dept. of Energy
And The No. 1 Favorite Job Of Gen. Angelo Reyes …
1. GMA’s Best Friend Forever
Top 5 new ‘wonders’ of the Philippines:
5. How can one entire province with 22 municipalities & 316 barangays vote 12-0?
4. 1st world country in 2 decades?
3. Will she ever be impeached?
2. When to apply for the writ of amparo?
And the No. 1 new ‘wonder’ of the Philippines…
1. Lintang Bedol?
5. Senator Sonny AutokoJazz
4. Senator Mar WaitngforhisPrime
3. Senator Kiko Mega-hon
2. Senator Joker Thickhide
And the No. 1 Transformer elected to the Philippine Senate …
1.Senator Migz Votecrusher
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